


sine spe recuperandi

by atropos_moirae



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, My First Fanfic, Nostalgia, Slice of Life, Somewhat Canon Compliant?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 09:14:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14053725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atropos_moirae/pseuds/atropos_moirae
Summary: (animo dereliquendi sine animo revertendi et sine spe recuperandi: to abandon as derelict, without intention to return to or hope of recovery)On a cold day in April, Tooru Oikawa leaves his hometown without so much as a backward glance.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> i never thought i’d pick up the figurative pen to write fiction again after giving it up several years ago. i’ve been writing journal entries sporadically, so it feels right (though a little narcissistic) that the first piece of fiction i produce after my hiatus is more of a memoir than a fanfic. i’m so grateful to all the writers who have rekindled in me that universal human desire to record and immortalize experiences without which i wouldn’t understand the person i am today.

On a cold day in April, Tooru Oikawa leaves his hometown without so much as a backward glance.

Hajime knows this, because he’s shivering at the speedgate turnstile of Sendai station in a t-shirt and Seijoh tracksuit pants to send him off. Tooru, who dragged Hajime’s ass out of bed at an ungodly hour, who sat uncharacteristically quiet on the ride to the station, who hugged his mom briefly and squeezed Hajime’s hand hard enough to bruise, who opened and closed his mouth several times before swallowing hard and putting the shoulder strap of his duffle bag across his body, turns around abruptly and walks sure-footed into the station. Hajime squints a little, trying to keep his eyes on the familiar back of Tooru’s head, but as passersby cross his line of sight, he loses track quickly. He stands for a minute, then another, searching the crowd and his hazy memories for a particular shade of brown, and comes up with nothing. 

He must be half awake still. 

Tooru’s mom gently herds him out of the station, back into the car. Starts the ignition. Rolls down the window. Offers, “it’s a beautiful spring day, isn’t it?” Outside, the cherry blossoms are in full bloom; pulped pink petals cover the streets, and Hajime kind of wishes, despite bluing lips, that it were snowing instead.

“Yeah,” his voice splits, “yeah it is.”


	2. unaddressed letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this entire fic is (probably going to be) from Hajime's POV

_Hey, hope you're doing well. It's been about a month since you left for Tokyo. Not much has changed here, though it's starting to feel like a ghost town without all the familiar faces I'd gotten used to seeing around. Guess that's the new status quo now._

_I’ve taken up gardening, because I remember you once got excited when our team was driving by the rice paddies because you thought you saw a crop circle and dived into one of your alien conspiracy theories, and it’s not like my garden is some grand farm producing a ton of crops, but I’m nurturing living things and that’s something I’ve learned that my hands can do other than spike a ball. On weekdays, I get up at the crack of dawn to work at a café downtown, and I started it half-joking that my pay will just be unlimited, free supply of coffee, which turned out to be scarily accurate because the pay is shit but the manager is really nice and she’s always giving us free coffee and snacks and that’s almost more valuable._

_On weekends, I try to spend time with my parents. The old man’s grown so distant and awkward around me but he’s trying and I’m willing to meet him halfway; on Saturday nights, we go on evening walks and watch the news and drink tea. His liver hasn’t been all too good recently and mother convinced him to stop drinking, which I’m grateful for because he can be cruel and honest when he’s drunk. I’ve been asking mother to teach me how to cook recently, and she’s taken a liking to parading me around the grocery store for all of her friends in the neighborhood to see and it’s honestly a bit embarrassing but she’s proud of me and that makes me indescribably happy and relieved. She teaches me to pick and choose the produce, when to go for the freshest, when to be frugal and compromise, when to put down the things I don’t need, when to pick up seasonal surprises. There’s a calm that settles over the two of us when we stand side-by-side in the kitchen, wordlessly peeling, cutting, cooking._

_When the weather clears up a bit more, we’re planning on seeing all the tourist attractions around Miyagi that we were too busy to visit before. Apparently your mother and mine once took you and me to the Rikuchu Coast for New Years to see the sunrise. You and I both slept through it since you were tired and I was bored, but mother says it was really beautiful: the eastern skies turned pale and through the mist and layers of clouds the sun came up as a dusty pink disk, the kind that really can’t be captured accurately on camera. When she told me that I kept thinking what a shame it is that you and I didn’t see it._

_On Sunday mornings, I find myself thumbing through the sports section on newspapers hoping to catch a glimpse of you. Some days the brief mention of your name in the papers catches me by surprise, but I still can’t read it for too long because this was my dream too, it was a dream I cherished, and the hurt is still too new and raw. It’s like a bad soap opera, losing the two great loves of my life to each other._

_Anyways, I hope you've adjusted to the city life. Your mom dropped by the other day and asked if I've been in touch with you. At least call and let your mom know how you're doing once in a while._

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh so idk how long this is going to end up being but i'm guessing it'll be around 20k ish by the time i finish. anyways thank you for reading!


End file.
